he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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