Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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