You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
