awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
