i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
