lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
