took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
