There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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