My liver just broke up with me...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's blow job season.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
