just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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