Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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