Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
