Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
