dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
