i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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