Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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