I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
