just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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