ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
