Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
