You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
