i just had sex bonerless
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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