another moral hangover. fuck.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
