....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
