she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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