in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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