with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
