You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
