I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
