he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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