did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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