we're chasing vodka with high fives
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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