Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
