and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
