Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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