So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
