Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
