He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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