the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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