They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
