I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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