I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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