he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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