I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
