too bad you live with your parents still
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
