haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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