He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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