My nipple is on Facebook.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
