just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
