Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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