you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
