I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
