i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize