I molested 6 butterflies tonight
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
