I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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