I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
