dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Randomize
