the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
