Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
