I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
