he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Let's paint friendship bongs
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
