I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
